A Fairytale

A Fairytale
July 22, 2008
Written by: Brad Stine

Once upon a time there was nothing. No earth or sky or universe or even molecules. Nothing was all there was. Over time, wait; there was no "time" because there was nothing.Ok, "nothing" apparently got lonely, or bored, or antsy, which nothingness tends to do, and out of the blue, (not that blue existed because there was no light thus no color) anyway for sake of argument nothing for no reason whatsoever blew up. Immediately after blowing up what once was nothing suddenly became a whole bunch of something. Nothing we humans would recognize but something nonetheless. Suddenly for no good reason there were molecules that instantly became the periodic table, with interesting stuff like hydrogen and carbon, and with that came heat and light and even defined space, for if something blew up it had to blow up from somewhere and keep expanding towards somewhere else thus creating "borders," so to speak. Anyway, after awhile, though "awhile" didn't exist since nothing intelligent could say it had been "awhile" yet, some of the matter began slowing down and cooling and some combined with other stuff and became balls of heated stuff that began to cool down in the form of a sphere because of gravity, which somehow was invented because of the explosion which happened for no reason. One of these orbs had enough interesting stuff to become water and soil and form an atmosphere that eventually would be destroyed by greenhouse gases, but that's a long time from now and anyway the ozone should have anticipated that and made its "layer" more resilient. This was the beginning of the Earth, though it wasn't called Earth then and didn't even know it was there. What was interesting from a human perspective which, by the way, is the ONLY perspective that utilizes the concept of "interesting," was some of this same accidental, for no good reason stuff made chemicals which took the form of water and soil and also became by accident plants and organisms that were autonomous and separate from the rest of the stuff and was actually what we would call alive. But even though it was alive it didn't know it and didn't care. For some reason though its aliveness was somehow "better" than non-aliveness to the point that over time, as long as it was still around, it would accidentally mutate appendages and gills and eyes and all kinds of accidental stuff that accidentally allowed it to survive even though it didn't know it wanted to. So to make a long LONG story short, because this stuff was still around and because it accidentally and without purpose would develop stuff that kept it "alive," it got even more bored and so now and again would birth a kid that no longer looked like it but instead was something completely different. Some of these completely different things were monkey-looking ape thingamajiggers whose only special quality was figuring out how to use a tree branch to hit things. It also noticed stuff like fire which when touched burned and hurt but if you threw meat into it, it tasted good and was somehow more civilized than simply eating meat raw, even though it had eaten raw meat up till then thus proving it never needed to cook in the first place. Overtime these "aliveniks" kept accidentally growing things on their bodies and getting a bigger brain for no reason and began to officially "think" (whatever that means) and take charcoal to draw pictures and communicate with other meaningless things, which eventually led to cell phones and text messaging and destroying the environment. All of this by the way had no meaning or purpose. It just happened until over time this stuff that came from nothing formed a brain which began to look at the sky and wonder where it came from, because apparently nothingness that explodes becomes curious over time and wants to discover itself. Star matter made of molecules reaches a point where it says "Look, I'm star matter and exist for no apparent reason and have no purpose but to discover I have no meaning and I choose to find meaning in that discovery." "I will also only believe in my matter and stuff I can observe and experiment on, and anything I can't hold or observe or repeat in an experiment isn't real and I don't believe in it? Except, love, art, courage, justice, joy, curiosity, mercy, philanthropy, goodness, truth, right and wrong, happiness and purpose. None of those things can I test, repeat and hold in my hand but I am going to believe in it anyway so I can fool myself into believing that meaninglessness and accidental appearing is true and real and worth knowing."The End?????????????"

I believe in God, which apparently makes ME the idiot.Dubbed "God's comic" by The New Yorker magazine, comedian Brad Stine brings his irreverent, edgy, and politically incorrect message to both mainstream and church audiences across the nation. His fifth DVD, The Best of Brad Stine, features the best material from his previous releases, "Put A Helmet On!"," Conservative Unleashed," "Tolerate This!" and "Wussification." Visit Brad online at www.BradStine.com.